Victoria Farmer

Promises made

with failing grades.

Love is shot with silver bullets.

You tell your lies and i know it's bull shit.

I'm up at night with tears in my eyes.

You won't seem to go no matter how hard i try.

I know you're just a liar.

Love is meant to last forever.

Pain is too.

I know i'll be crying over you.

I had the utmost trust in you.

I'm disgusted with you.

She was my friend. What a shame.

I have you both to blame.

Away one night when words were said.

Then i find you both in bed.

You tried to sway me from my rage

with loving words i knew were staged.

Scars are deep when hearts are bled.

Sometimes i wish you'd hurt instead.

Feelings are hurt when trust is broken.

I can't get back the love you'd stolen.

Sometimes forever only lasts days.

Sometimes when you love you only get played.

You're supposed to be my friend.

But here we are again.

The situation has become worse.

That woman has become your curse.

She's seduced you to your grave.

You're her toy; you're her slave.

You've broken promises to me.

Ripped my heart out so viciously.

Did you think of me as you fell?

Did you hear me when i yelled?

I called your name into the night.

Your absence filled me with a dreadful fright.

You don't see me anymore.

Won't let me inside the door.

You see through me when i'm here.

You don't see a single tear.

She's corrupted both your body and your mind.

She's made you cross the line.

The one we drew as friends.

But now here we are again.

I've sat by and watched you change.

I'll never see you as the same.

I'll promises made in vain.

Beneath clouds filled with acid rain.

I love you with a hot desire.
Burning my soul with a passionate fire.
You send me chocolates, rings and flowers.
You talked to me on the phone for hours and hours.
You called me love and said you cared.
A passionate feeling we both had shared.
Now my name doesn't touch your lips.
Now your hand never touches my hips.
You never notice when i leave the room.
When you see me it seems too soon.
Your kisses no longer have that zeal.
You don't ever care how i feel.
I try to reason when i can
but you don't want to understand.
You say you love me to my face.
But i can't feel it in our embrace.
Do i matter to you at all?
If i left, would you even call?
I ask you for a simple kiss.
You act like it's my darkest wish.
You never seem to want to face me.
You say things just to placate me.
You're breaking my heart every day.
You never hear a word that i say.
Actions speak louder than words.
I just want to be heard.

You've run away from my arms.
Scaled over mountains, and sprinted through farms.
You've deserted me.
You scower the earth for a replacement.
You search for a new life and wish to embrace it.
You say you cried for hours on end.
I'm the love of your life, you're truest friend.
You say no love for you has ever been so strong.
But the very next day you say you wish to move on.
I want you back here with me.
I want you always near to me.
I love your voice and that childlike smile.
The one i can't live without for more than i while.
The feel of your hand in mine.
Just feeling you here and knowing i'm fine.
The reassurance of your love forever.
Knowing that we're meant to be together.
But i'm not who you want today.
You just want to run away.
What can i do to win you back?
To retrieve what we had?
What If i promise to always understand?
If i rend my heart will you take my hand?
What If i'll love you till the end of time?
Can i ever truly call you mine?

I watch as the leaves fall from the trees.
Birds still fly, singing and carefree.
Clouds roll across the sky.
Winds chill me as they breeze by.
Coats are kept by the door.
Spaghetti straps will soon be no more.
But the sun still shines bright and true.
As it had back in June.
A few weeks come and go.
The temperature drops to depths below.
Animals hide in trees and ground.
Clouds are the only things around.
Snow has fallen everywhere.
Leaving our trees brown and bare.
Kids huddle in the house.
Squirrels scared to even scurry about.
Ice threatens the people lives.
The cold leaves them with bitter frost bites.
The sun doesn't dare to put them at ease.
It ignores the cries of the people's pleas.
Parents comfort the children's cries.
Summer falls to Winter's rise.

a love so real
a love so bright
yet all you ever
do is fight
a marriage forged
a family made
seems like your love
is just a facade
you argue over
anything
I'm sitting there
all I hear is yelling
you say it's over
all is well
five minutes later
all you do is yell
the anger rolls
off of you in waves
your anger is your master
you are its slaves
your pride causes
only pain
you say one word
it starts again

Words are used to help with thought
but are they worth the pain they've brought?
a page is a tool to let things out
a pencil used to help with doubt
the page is a friend; always there
to let things go with the gentlest care
the pencil is your tool to help you along
no matter how hard you push it stays steady and strong
your words are your voice; subtle, yet loud
but can a poem truly help you out?
it's just a few words nobody reads
yet this is how you supply your needs?
a pencil to write upon a few pages
to record a few of your life's stages?
no matter how you state it or how much you write
life is still the same as a page; only black and white

I wander the halls of my school
deserted; alone
the classes are full
I feel depressed and unknown
the halls are quiet
apart from the muffled voices
of chatter
my mind is full of junk
so nothing else matters
my heart beats low and steady
the most pitiful of thumps
my body carries on okay
my throat filled with lumps
tears rim my eyes
my face red and emotionless
my arms scarred with crimson
no blood that I will miss
I fail to see a purpose
beyond the travisty
no beauty in the sky
no kind of majesty
no real meaning to this
life anymore
a bell rings loud as I
pass through a door
my body lies limp
upon the bathroom floor
I am only spirit now
nothing much to adore
I exit the room
nothing else to see
the only thing left to do
is just for me to leave

cough up blood
and shriek in pain
a cry so loud
and yet mundane
you grip your side
and groan again
a perfect moment
such sweet revenge
your breath is quick
shallow and deep
the perfect lullaby
to put me to sleep
your eyes roll back
you fall apart
my turn this time
to break your heart

Can I intrude upon my mind
leave all my insecurities behind
so that I may finally find
a way to go through with it this time?
Push past the walls that I have built
cause my fears to finally wilt
give in to my body's will
create a beat from a heart so still
push aside the fears so strong
convince myself that this isn't wrong
I've put it off for far too long
no more reasons to prolong
the purest act of love
a thought I cringe to think of
it often scares me; it only shoves
against the barriers I've put up
I've heard the stories
I've read the texts
time for me
to finally have sex

watch me sleep

and break ym dremas

steal ym soul

and tear it all the seams

take me down

into hell

beat me down

and make me yell

pretend to die

and make me cry

pretend to be sly

you can try and try

kill me from

the inside out

take my heart

and make me doubt

you fill my life

with only pleasure

but seeing you with her

is the ultimate torture

Home is a word

so often unheard

a place of fiction

lacking creation

no reality

only fatality

people search

the entire Earth

to find this place

assumed with grace

a light to life

now filled with strife

it's now a building

lacking true feeling

only words

of absolute hurt

voices raised

and endless tyrades

promises broken

and innocence stolen

home is a myth

deal with it

a mother, a sister

a bloddy mixer

a paa and nana

unholy bananza

too much stress

can't hardly think

tears roll down

with every blink

hair ripping

soul stripping

blood rolling

overly controling

stay busy

or go crazy

work and read

remove the seed

kepp the mind empty

or lose all sanity

try to be calm

control the qualms

don't say a word

and remain unheard

simple rules

to control the cruel

Tears are shed

and no one sees

I cry out

no one hears my pleas

you break my heart

with no remorse

when I see you

I get off course

little is done

yet much is said

I sprint for you

and I end up dead

the soul inside

is held a slave

the heart is gone

an empty grave

tunnels overlap

my path

nothing compares

with heartbreak's wrath

but this wrath

is aimed at me

I'll continue to run

for all eternity

down the road

and across the bend

leap past the tears

and into a dead end

The mirror lies

it shows me things

a hideous girl

entirely revolting

her stomahce's not flat

her hair light brown

her legs are white

and breasts not round

her nails are short

her shoulders blemished

her nose too narrow

her posture squeemish

her nose is red

her face is pale

by her body language

it's clear she's in a shell

her skin is scarred

her eyes are guarded

she can recall

the day this all started

the day she left

her one true love

and now her flaws

are all she can think of

she turns her back

and walks away

I open the door

and greet the day

You've run away from my arms.
Scaled over mountains, and sprinted through farms.
You've deserted me.
You scower the earth for a replacement.
You search for a new life and wish to embrace it.
You say you cried for hours on end.
I'm the love of your life, you're truest friend.
You say no love for you has ever been so strong.
But the very next day you say you wish to move on.
I want you back here with me.
I want you always near to me.
I love your voice and that childlike smile.
The one i can't live without for more than i while.
The feel of your hand in mine.
Just feeling you here and knowing i'm fine.
The reassurance of your love forever.
Knowing that we're meant to be together.
But i'm not who you want today.
You just want to run away.
What can i do to win you back?
To retrieve what we had?
What If i promise to always understand?
If i rend my heart will you take my hand?
What If i'll love you till the end of time?
Can i ever truly call you mine?

You and i had something beautiful.

A scene from the movies, truly magical.

Two nights of pure love and compassion.

Two nights of concealed deception.

Almost kissing one day.

The next kissing for real.

And then you deny what you really feel.

Carving our names into the wood.

Making me swoon as only you could.

Being open yet being hidden.

Causing such pain that should be forbidden.

Taking me through intervals of horrible sanity.

Pain unknown to all of humanity.

Except for me. I know the hurt,

and nothing could be worse.

How could you promise me such beautiful things?

Plant deceptive seeds

Then take away exactly what i need?

Rip the hope out from its roots then burn it,

cause the smoke to hide the moon. 

How did i get into this horrible web of deceit?

Falling in love with the most beautiful creature i'll ever meet?

A clever trick t

o play the bitch.

Sing your beautiful lies.

The sweetest desire in your eyes.

You were never truly mine. 

How'd i make it so easy for you to walk in and out of my life?

Think...

About what i can say.

See...

How i can tell you today...

Feel...

How to keep these feelings at bay.

I want you to see past the lies.

To look into my eyes

and see what you don't realize.

Swim through the tears i've cried.

Feel the essence of what i have to hide.

This love that was created

by a heart heavily sedated.

I need to see you.

Trip over myself to get through...

The walks built up by fears.

Terrors that've kept me here.

In this place of dark disasters.

Monsters without masters.

I've kept myself inside.

I never even tried...

To escape my horrors.

Losing you haunts my terrors.

Rejection wears my strength thin.

A fear that crawls across my skin.

 A ghost of what i used to be

lingers now that you've taken me.

My heart beckons you,

tripping over me to get through,

the barriers filled with lies,

to hide the tears i've cried.

After all the things you've done

after all the things you said

scattered pain and thoughts

battle in my head

you come and smile at me

you give me a greeting

but when I look at you

my respect becomes fleeting

I try to put on a face

I try to play along

but when I feel you near

I see only what you've done wrong

I try to pretend

I put it out of mind

I know I've done wrong too

but I've paid for it in time

I've changed my ways

I've learned to behave

you're spiraling down

now it's you who needs to be saved

you've changed your morals

you're not you anymore

you've opened a window

and locked all the doors

you've done so much wrong

I found out today

now I just can't look at

you in the same way

Ditch, ditch, ditch again

wait, wait for class to end

the bell rings

run away

make them think

you were here today

hide in the restroom

wait for the timing

five minutes pass

now you are running

your herat beats fast

an adrenaline rush

you never knew

you'd like it this much

wait, wait for class to end

so that you can ditch again

You drink and drink

'til you can no longer think

your mind's full of fuzz

so you know you're buzzed

your liver screams at you to stop

you're not done 'til you have that last drop

vomit covers your bathroom floor

your stomache couldn't take anymore

your head pounds the next day

another drink by your side

to drink the pain away

a mess for you to clean up again

the drink has become your new best friend

a bum on the streets

clinging to a drink

trying to sleep

to escape this dream

Mamma Please

look at me

Mamma please

say you love me

Mamma please

say you're proud

Mamma please

stay around

Mamma please

Mamma please

say you''l try

Mamma please

don't let me cry

Mamma please

I'm on my knees

Mamma please

love me

A liar's a liar

no matter the name

a liar's a liar

they should be ashamed

a cheater's a cheater

no matter the excuse

a cheater's a cheater

the emotional abuse

a theif's a theif

sly and strange

a cutter's a cutter

it'll never change

The wavering line between good and bad

the wavering line that drives me mad

preventing me from going to the other side

not letting me cross the divide

it keeps me grounded at all times

but it weakens with time

it's just a line

that can be crossed

a wavering line

what a shock!

it broke

what a crime!

it's no longer

a wavering line

A plan to go and the sun

excitement shared with everyone

2 hours away

to seize the day

a disturbing text

to see your ex

now my heart's in pain

you give me hope to take me out

to see and travel the town

the sun sets

another text

my heart hurts again

we make a date to see the falls

a majestic beauty of them all

the water glitters

the birds twitter

I make a sketch

another text

I'm left here alone

a promise to go see the stars

I'm left here wondering where you are

I wait for hours

my eyes shed showers

as the tears fall

I get a call

I start to make my way home

I recieve no condolences

as you break your promises

the Earth shifts

another text

I click ignore

I sit on the side of the dock.

Listenin to the seconds go by on my inner clock.

I dip my feet into the creek.

The pain lessons with each passing week.

I remember how you'd hold me close.

I'd inhale the smell of your cologne.

We'd sit on the dirt beside the water.

You'd tell me stories about forever.

Forever you'd be mine to treasure.

The prospect brought me only pleasure.

I'd watch the moon close at night.

Thinkin that if you were too i'd be filled with delight.

Distance used to drive me insane.

Driving me crazy and causing me pain.

I stayed by you when you were ill.

Giving you my all, even my will.

I used to fear i'd lose you somehow.

I realize that i have now.

Weeks away from you broke my heart.

But it was i who broke us apart.

I couldn't take that we had no communication.

You had lost your dedication.

You were like a romantic robot.

Now i sit upon the dock.

You were always the voice of reason.

Resistance against the malicious treason.

My friend when i needed an arm.

The force to save me from all harm.

Then you left me to face the world.

A big world, and small girl.

I built up my armed walls. 

Barbed wire and cement so it wouldn't fall.

I corrected my ways to make you proud.

You still weren't around.

I stayed in church and always said no.

No more drugs and i made sure you'd know.

You'd know you still meant something to me.

Now i can't even breath.

I'm watching from distance

as you pay your pennance.

A pennance you shouldn't have to pay.

You fall every single day.

All i can do is watch.

I count the seconds on the clock.

Waiting for when you can be happy again.

Waiting to be here as your friend.

My role model.

My conscience.

My friend from a distance.

If i gave you patience and understanding

would you keep on running?

If i gave you a friend

would you leave me again?

If i handed you a bracellete,

beaded cause i made it,

would you take it?

If i stood by your side

would you quit trying to hide?

If i showed you true love

would you hurt me very much?

If i gave you the best advice

would you squeeze my heart with a vice?

If i said i'd stay here forever

would you keep us from each other?

If i shared my deepest secrets

would i be the queen of your regrets?

If i listened to you speak

would you keep me waiting for weeks?

If i fought for your honor

would you continue to wander?

If i lied on your behalf

would you throw away all we have?

If i wrote you a song

would say it was all wrong?

If i cried for you at night

would you even put up a fight?

If i walked i away

would you follow me all day?

If i said goodbye

would you even cry?

The night engulfs what light is left.

The wind pushes hard against my chest.

Clouds cover the moon tonight.

Causing my heart to clench so tight.

No sound but the whispers around me.

Low voices from my surroundings.

Trees, trees everywhere i look.

Growing from my strength, of which they took.

Whispering,

taunting,

frightening,

laughing.

Enjoying my fear.

Surrounding me,

keeping me here.

Shadows sweep the trees then disappear.

Whispers fading in an out.

Sobs filling the background.

I inhale the smell of defeat.

I exhale sharply and fall to my knees.

They creep closer for a better peek.

Destroying me is what they seek.

Rain pelts me in the back.

I cringe and wait for their attack.

The trees enclose the space in between

and i let out a roaring scream.

Dinner plays around my plate

you look at me with hunger and hate

mom doesn't notice

she never did

I get up to leave

you join me

mom goes to her precious job

unaware my innocense has been robbed

I know the routine

go up and brush my teeth

change into my night clothes

what happens next?

only I know

even at five I knew it was wrong

only fear has kept it going on and on

fear of hurting my maternal figure

fear of everyone knowing I'm impure

fear of what you would do to me

fear of losing my only dad for all eternity

fear has held me in place

to walk into my bedroom

and face your eyes full of hunger and hate

I hide in the corner of the room

afraid to face my impending doom

you bang on the door

I don't want to see you anymore

your angry voice seeps into my skin

I don't want to let you in

fear bidns me to the floor

I can't get up or even squirm

I can't climb out the window

I can't bring myself to let you go

I've been hurt too many times

my soul buried alive

beaing beat down every day

your slanderous words pushing me away

afraid to ask a single question

afraid to learn my lessson

your belt has left its mark

now I hide in the dark

I have to get up; I have to believe

but I can bring myself to leave?

I've watched you for fifteen years

I've seen you lie and shed your tears

you've cheated everyone around

you have a light that shines in a crowd

you use it well

you cast your spells

over innocent hearts

you have that spark

it calls to everyone

I just play dumb

it doesn't work on me

I don't fall for your creativity

I watched you sleep with many guys

curled in the next room, wondering why

I've watched you fall

I was like a fly on the wall

I've watched you, a perfect liar

it's not all right seeing so many doctors

I watched you die in your own blood

and still the pain wasn't enough

to escape

the emotional rape

it wasn't enough to watch you die

and kneel by your bed to cry

and still I stayed by your side

as I hid on the inside

If I could move the sands of time

I would have you out of mind

life has shown me many things

you're no good for me

no one helps me when I bleed

I thought you were what I need

I was completely shaken

I was sadly mistaken

nothing about us was mutual

and the pain was brutal

you are like a scarlet letter

and I deserve better

the sky is an endless beauty

it's more comfort than you'll ever be

you only know how to decieve

a heartless leech

it sucks the life out of people

crawl like a corpse up the church steeple

plead your life and skin

you're still not getting in

my heart is a sanctuary

a safety withing my wall of military

I won't fall for it; I've had enough

you don't know true love

You lied to me about that whore.

Slammed my back into the door.

A passionate beginning into new love.

An intimate pain only we know of.

I chased your friend away from loyalty.

You slapped my face so passionately.

We made up in the best of ways.

An electric charge that lasted for days.

You trampled over my self esteem.

Invaded my mind and shattered my dreams.

I screamed and raved profanity.

We lost all sense of sanity.

I drank and drank all i could.

More than any human should.

You found me wasted on the street.

Brought me back from my defeat.

You violated my sister and me.

Together in vile unity.

We have the worst and best of love within.

So i burned your heart into my skin.

You said you would always be there.

You left me in a cloud of despair.

I gave you everything i had.

Now i see the life we were meant to have.

I wake up in tears and know i dreamt of you.

I think of everything that we went through.

My friends only tell me they told me so.

But they will never know.

They'll never understand what we shared.

How you treated me like you cared.

How it felt when we would share a kiss.

A perfect memory i'll always miss.

How it felt when i waited for a call.

How it didn't come after all.

How it felt with every promise that you broke.

The heartbreak makes me want to choke.

I've lost the will to eat.

You're a dirty liar who likes to cheat.

A thought provoker.

A heart choker.

A tear jerker.

A heartless lover.

A soul tie i just can't lose.

I need you.

I sit beside my window, gazing upon the landscape.

The clouds cover the sky, covering us with gentle rain.

Children run around, teens splashing each other.

I think of all the playful memories i can't even remember.

So long ago they escape me.

Happiness is what i recall clearly.

The wind plays along the trees.

Gray depresses all humanity.

The storm shoves the people into the house.

Not a living thing seen clearly around.

Leaves scattered and pushed across the ground.

Rain beats against the windows and doors.

Beckoning a part of me i don't know anymore.

The wind shouts my name.

To leave the house and never be the same.

I creep towards the door

and walk into the eye of the storm.

i sit in class.

Writing to make the time pass.

The class around me deafens into a chaotic hum.

My heart beats in my ears like a steady bass drum.

I try to focus on the words written, scattered, across the board.

My classmates taunt me like demonic hoardes.

Bees inside my mind.

Spinning before my eyes.

My breathing quickens like i'd awoken from sex.

I try to concentrate on my "oh so important" text.

My vision spins.

My head lightens.

I need to run, to get away.

So i can last another day.

No where to go.

No where to hide.

Always and forever trapped within my mind.

I gave you my heart; i gave you my all.

You it all took just to watch me fall.

I trusted you so completely.

I withstood the pain and mockery.

I stood on the side lines waiting for a turn.

I felt the rejection and competitions' spurn.

You put my heart inside a blender.

You watched it tear in naratic splendor.

You blended it and mixed it up.

You filled it with lies of absolute love.

I fell into the unforgiving arms of heartbreak and pain.

I fell into harm and was left crying in the rain.

Your words sliced me with every unrelenting note.

You carelessly tore the words that i wrote.

I welcomed you openly into my world.

You left me crying like a wounded girl.

I gave you my world and instead you chose to depart.

I gave you my all and you broke my heart.

A dream is a dream, no matter how much she wants it to be real.

A wish is a wish, it lacks reality and feel.

She can only run to hide her shame.

She can only hide to shield her name.

She dreams of flying free from here.

She wishes for a love to save her tears.

She lives a life of mockery.

She breaths a life of blasphemy.

Loneliness seeps past the walls she's put up.

Pain unleashed upon her from the one she loves.

Can pain and love go hand and hand?

Can she run if she can't even stand?

She falls asleep in bed with bruises.

She knows it's wrong but she comes up with his excuses.

When she sleeps is when she feels clean.

It isn't real, it's only a dream.

You're a hateful individual.

You blow it off as if it's casual.

You get mad over every single thing.

Nothing i do is considered pleasing.

I can't ask a single question

without a fight and investigation.

You blow up like a raging bull.

Do you lack self control?

Not a single drop of compassion.

Nothing to satisfy my transgression.

Only open pain and oppression.

I break a vein

to satisfy the pain.

You cause only a tense atmosphere.

You don't care to wipe away a single tear.

You hold me down like a child's toy.

I can't hear my thoughts above your noise.

Your nostrils flare,

your evil stare.

My heart clenches and waits for an attack.

As much as i want i can't fight back.

I've never seen that shade of red before.

It graces your face forevermore.

Can a more angry beast possibly exist?

I pray it doesn't, my final wish.

A break from this could not be more pleasin'.

You go off for all the wrong reasons.

I curl my arms around my legs.

Something in me still wants to beg.

To plead to God to bring you back.

The heart inside me that I lack.

How could I bear such a terrible death?

Sitting by your side as I watched you take your last breath.

People still wonder why I'm not over this.

To never hold you, never feel your kiss.

Who can survive that?

I just want you back.

Back in my arms and hold you tight.

To not give you up without a fight.

My spirit is crushed, no more will to stand.

Nobody here to hold my hand.

How can I live without your smile?

I've had to do so for quite a while.

I need to know that you're okay.

I can't see the light of day.

Only small glimpses of what life used to be.

You were what it held for me.

I don't know how it feels to hav a smile on my face.

What still holds me to this place?

You're not here.

You're not near.

I know you said I needed to be brave.

But how can I when you're sitting inside a grave?

If I kill your mother and your daughter, will you notice me?

If I steal your heart and tear it apart, will you scream in agony?

If I make you miserable beyond belief,

a shriek of pain with no relief, will I be your only one?

If I torture your beloved before your eyes,

tear her to pieces and fill her heart with lies, will you wish me to bare your son?

If I burn your home, tear your heart out and turn it to stone, will I feel your love?

If I follow you wherever you go, make you completely alone, will I be the only one you think of?

If I isolate you from everyone, and make you feel completely numb, will I be the only one for you?

If I destroy your family, make you cry happily, will our love be true?

If I screamed at you with profanity, show you my inner beauty, will you fucking notice me?

If I spoke to you would you reply?

Or would you ignore me and make me cry?

If I wore a beautiful dress, would you care to even notice?

No. You'd never care.

So now you're life is bare.

And I'll get my ultimate revenge.

I'll kill your family and your friends.

I'll be your only love.

The only one you'll ever think of.

A gentle kiss;

a silent wish.

A black cloud,

descending all around.

You looked me in the eyes.

You told me dark lies.

You used me

and abused me.

I was like a silent lamb,

trying desperately to understand.

I watched in terror,

heartbreak could not be clearer,

as you morphed into someone I never knew.

Your words, like venom, pierced my soul.

Your anger wildly out of control.

I spoke softly with gentle deliverance.

I loved you despite your ignorance.

You slapped me across the face.

A sign of hate and disgrace.

You pushed me up against the door.

Said you didn't want me anymore.

Pain clung to me like a leech.

With tears streaming down my cheeks,

I kissed you one more time.

And said this very line,

"no matter what you do, I will always love you."

with that I did depart,

with a lost and broken heart.

You say you love me.

I'm not angry

but i hav some things to say.

You're not here, you ran away.

You left me for a lazy man.

I've tried to understand,

what kind of mom can do that?

Leave a child with no will to come back?

Just thinking of you makes me want to hav a panic attack.

You use me for your own gain.

Do you hav no shame?

You smile like you hav a perfect life.

This is not what a mom should be like.

Choose a man over her daughter.

He may be your husband, but he's not my step father.

You confuse sex with love.

You hav no heart, you're only in lust.

You yell at me for figuring you out.

You cuss at me with tears and shout.

I know what you're all about.

You think of only you.

What are you into?

Yourself.

A heartless fiend

who only thinks about the ring.

You are no mother,

you killed my brother,

you stole my father,

and deserted your daughter.

I'm happy, in better health.

I can finally thank myself.

No more layin in bed cryin over you.

No more thinking over what we've been through.

No pictures left to burn.

No more lessons left to learn.

I can walk away

with a smile on my face.

I can watch you happy with her

and not feel like dirt.

I know i'm better than i used to be.

No more tears or self pity.

New confidence,

no more penance.

A lighter day before me.

Go ahead and ignore me.

I can sleep more soundly at night.

No more dreams without you to fill me with fright.

I can live without you from now on.

Nothing about this new life feels wrong.

My life is finally complete.

No more begging at your feet.

No more scars left to heal.

No more wishing this wasn't real.

My heart is elated, my life unraveled.

Will someone beat me to death with a shovel?

Who am i tryin to convince?

This doesn't make any sense

cause i'm still not over you.

Once upon a time,

the beginning line.

Happily ever after, something i'll never hear.

The memory of that friday night still brings me to tears.

We snuck out to meet up and talk.

I sat by the phone to get that first call.

Two weeks later it never arrived.

Seeing you with her feels like being stabbed with knives.

You said you weren't ready,

that if i waited we'd go steady.

I waited and was there by your side.

Was i out of line? 

While we were talking i could feel your friends' glares.

They wrote me nasty letters saying you were theirs.

Then one night you asked to see me.

My heart leapt with such glee.

I met you as a friend, but continued to reminisce.

I stared at the sky when you gave me that kiss.

You caught me by suprise, and said being with me was perfect.

I no longer felt like a reject.

Then you left me for that girl.

Seeing you two makes me wanna hurl.

I still cry at night, and

thinking of how your gone fills me with fright.

I'm ripping at the seems.

It must've been a perfect dream.

Who am I?
I look in the mirror;
Who is that looking at me?

I don't recognize her
She has my features
She's a mess, a beauty.

Her hair is deyed
She wears 3 shirts
Her expression disoriented.

She looks worn
She looks sad
She's in no way completed.

I can't recognize her;
no matter how much I try,
I only stare.

She looks like clay,
molded in many ways,
and yet bare.

God, who is she?
I see tears;
I see scrapes.

She looks terrified
She pleads with her eyes;
Am I too late?

Can I save her?
She looks beaten;
I want to save her.

She must be helped!
This is my mission
I choose to endeavor.

She looks like she'll break
She needs a friend
Who is she?!

I look closer
She stares back
Holy Crap!
The girl is me!

I sit in a cellar
Wondering how I got here.
The damp air fills my lungs
The emptiness brings me tears.
This dark place looks familiar
as if I'd been here before.
My eyes adjust to the dark
I see no exit door.
The dripping of water
radiates with an eerie sound.
I try to lift my legs
gravity holds them down.
I pull and pull
and try to shake free.
A force holds me in place
taking hold of me.
I scream in resistence
it comes out in a whisper.
The pain shoots through me
no loneliness could be clearer.
Foosteps echoe from a shadow
along the wall.
I cling to myself in fear
and curl into a ball.
A sob escapes my throat
and bounces throughout the room.
Somehow I know death is near;
the cellar screams my doom.
I look up from the ground
as a body slips from a shadow.
I watch as more bodies
soon begin to follow.
I know that they are here
to end my life right now.
I know that I will die
if I don't escape somehow.
I squirm against the force
that binds my body here.
I watch as the leader's face
soon becomes clear.
The cloak that hides their face
flows out like it's alive.
I feel no breeze,
and no will to survive.
My body trembles as I stop
trying to resist.
I know no afterlife can
possibly exist.
The leader stands just 3 feet
away.
I stare at the shadow that hides their face.
Slowly they lift their hands
to pull away their hood.
All is still, and I know this can't be good.
My eyes grow wide in
sudden disbelief.
Her eyes shine with anticipation
The eyes that belong to me.

Despair and confusion
Colliding emotions
Anger and fear
Avoiding intrusion
I try to do what you request
I did what I could; I tried my best
You ask for me to stay away
I did just that; I took it day by day
You wondered why I'd been so distant
You prodded in with added persistence
Confused, I came back as a friend
Now you tell me to go away again
You say I'm using weapons
You say that I'm a witch
You apologize for being such a bitch
What is it you want from me?
To leave you indefinitely?
I can't be your friend
Fine. I'm gone. Again.

I watch as she strokes your face

I watch in anguish at your embrace

She has beauty with which I can't compete

Her dark hair flows with grace from head to feet

Her amber eyes can captivate your soul

Her words seduce you to a blithering pulp

I can't compete with such an angel

Created by God; sent by the Devil

I watch in despair as you enjoy her touch

Knowing, in the end, she has no love

She'll use you til you breathe your last breath

Leaving you to face your unnatural death

I love you madly, but I'm no prize

So I watch your back behind my enemy's lines.

An inner turmoil
seeks to be shown;
A heartbroken mother
lsing a child of her own.

Demons fighting to
take his life;
An innocent child
A widowed wife.

A painful separation
a fight to the death;
Sowrrow, grief, a battle
for her last breath.

Nothing she can do
to get him back;
A heart of stone
a son she'll lack

I've hurt your feelings; i've caused you pain.

I've poured you out til there's no more to drain.

I've broken your heart and played your emotions.

Now here's my undying token.

I've paid for my mistakes too many times.

I've let you play my emotions and screw up my mind.

I held my tongue while i let you talk trash.

I've said nothing while your decisions were too rash.

I've allowed you to manipulate my reputation.

I've allowed you to cause my desolation.

I've cried and cried too many tears.

I've admitted my mistakes and fought off my fears.

I've crumpled to the ground without you at my side.

I've confronted my past and swallowed my pride.

I've felt loneliness sweep through my being.

I've stood tall and accepted my every beating.

I've pleaded for you to take me back.

I've accepted the pain of rejection's slap.

I defended your slander with acceptance and grace.

Now i'm tired of paying for my mistakes.

You said you were my friend
Someone who’s always there
But you stabbed me in the back
You never truly cared.

He wasn’t yours for the taking
For you to use as game
Do you feel any remorse?
Do you have any shame?

I never anticipated such agony
Could ever be so true
To fall in love like this
And be betrayed by you.

“Best friends ‘til the end.”
Such lies swore in vain
Empty promises
Can make the heart insane.

Friends like you make enemies
Look supreme
Loyal to your lust
You’re as slimy as a black bream.

You have no conscience
You answer to your physical desires
You have no heart
You burn lives with black fires.


You’re worthless to this Earth
You deserve to perish
Like an abusive father
With a child he never cherished.

Such blasphemy was never spoken
When you swore he did you no interest
You broke my heart when I caught
You both mid-kiss.

You’re a viper to the soul
You’re a filthy wench
I no longer wish to whiff
You’re poisonous stench.

Die
Cry
You’ll never provoke me
Scream
Dream
You’re words will never stroke me.

My heart won’t take you
My life has been betrayed
You’re witty and smart
But I see through your masquerade.

Drip

Drip

The blood spills

Drop

Drop

The cold sends chills

Sip

Sip

he drained her dry

Tears

Fall

She says good-bye

A broken heart is left alone

no one near, and no one home

hard and cold; resembling stone

It bleeds the years of worthless lies

when left in the rain, it only cries

it can't go on; it vainly tries

stitches try to mend what's left

the woman cries, and holds her chest

she falls down and clings to her breasts

she tries to hold the heart in place

fearing it'll run out it's race

fear grows strong when it slows its pace

the broken heart cries out for weeks

the pain brings her down onto her knees

the pain hurts too much, she only pleas

the love is empty, like a dying rose

the heart cries out, and no one knows

it crumbles from too many blows

a doctor cannnot save her life

sleep cann't escape her mind

the heart is dead; stabbed through a knife

the heart is broken; it didn't last this time.

I wake up to the morning light.

No recollection of the previous night.

My room looks unnaturally untidy.

I call to hear the silence of nobody.

I get up dizzy with a head rush.

My head hurts like it's been crushed.

I walk across the hall,

feeling like I might fall.

I walk into the kitchen, my family no where near.

I look at the floor and see the blood thats smeared.

A terror feels my heart to the brim.

My stomach twists and my head swims.

I run to the living room and a shriek escapes my throat.

My mother's body lies lifeless, I feel like I might croak.

I look at the knife that feels glued to my hand

and I slowly begin to understand.

You have beauty beyond compare.

With sapphire eyes and platinum hair.

You have milky skin that catches the eye.

You're so lovely it makes me want to cry.

You have a voice like gentle rain.

With a devastating smile you can get your way.

Without much effort you can have any man.

Mystery and silence makes them try to understand.

You move slow, with subtle grace 

You make a man's heart race.

You move like a pagan goddess on earth.

You've gotten your way ever since birth.

You have a hunger like a lioness on the hunt.

You grab the strong, and forget the runt.

No one can do it the way you do.

You go for one and come back with two.

No man can deny your siren call.

No man can survive it when they fall.

Your angelic face makes a girl cry.

You have beauty no one can deny. 

You took him just because you can.

Now I'll never see my love again.

Growing up was never easy

but being my mom you made it pleasing.

I didn't hav the best toys or clothes

but havin you as a mom added to the pros.

I came home crying and you held me tight.

I woke up puking and you were there all night.

I ran to your room terrified to death.

You help me close so i could catch my breath.

You worked hard to giv me a home.

You were there so i was never alone.

You loved me dearly like a mother should.

But your heart is hollow like a tree trunk's wood.

You used me as a part of your game.

Track down every man with no room for shame.

Lies and deceit built up for years.

Now your the cause of my new tears.

I believed your act, i fell for the facade.

Nothing could end this painful tirade.

You left as soon as that man entered your life.

You left to become a stepford wife.

I moved in with your parents so you could be yourself.

Now you spend your time with everybody else.

Does the word daughter mean anything to you?

You lost your mother title now theres nothing to do.

I'm not whole
I've lost my soul
I think you stole
my heart, now stay

A drop of water raises the sea
I shed my tears when you're not here with me
I could tear myself piece by piece
maybe that would give me some kind of release
I could blame myself for what went wrong
and cry to sleep when I hear our song
when I'm alone I'm useless to the world
pain like knives when I see you with that girl
An empty sieve
I want to believe
that I'm worth something to you
my world's gone askew
I need to hear your voice
above the noise
A chaotic hum
I'm left dumb
like a child with a broken heart
drowning in a sea of tears; trying to escape the sharks
I want to see your smile
If only for a little while
This pain is more than I can bare
You no longer care
I want to close my eyes to the unspoken certainty
that you're through with me
I'd rather be pounded into the dirt
I'd rather be blind than see you with her

I cower in the corner, terrified of you

I always yell for help; in the end it's just us two

Bruises cover both my body and my mind

I try to run away, but i never leave in time

I'm locked in a room, separated from the world

Fear and abuse take over this little girl

I try to fight back with all the strength I can muster

But in the end it's my blood that fills the gutter

I yell and scream and pray you hear me out

I kick and run, but in the end I'm knocked out

Rape and abuse go hand in hand

I could try to explain, but no one ever understands

I could cuss, and I could run

But I get always get scorched by the sun

Wolf attacks look tame compared with what I get

I won't be let be when the pain isn't over yet

Cuts and scrapes cover my arms

Bruises no longer cause me any harm

I've learned to handle those petty pains

I've learned so much I've become insane

The corner watches my back at night

I may be dumb, but I know this isn't right

I wonder if I'll ever see the light.

You walk with the grace of a hunter

You throw the beauty away when you're done with her

Your speech is sweet like sugar on bread

Your lips are hypnotizing then you leave us for dead

Your eyes are like crystals in the light

Your touch is like electricity; it's so wrong it's right

You know every move, every feeling

The way you work them is appealing

You know what to do, how to work our emotions

In the end you cause such catastrophic destruction

You know what to say to get a girl's heart racing

You know what to say, with measured pacing

Your voice is like velvet, your eyes like a sea

You know exactly what to say to get in bed with me

Your touch sends chills to my very core

It's just like evrything you've done before

You know how to make my heart race

You love to feel every inch, every lace

To you, it's a rush, an intoxicating game

You use us for fun and leave us writhing in shame

You're like a viper to the soul, a kiss of death

You poison our veins til we breath our last breath

You had your chance at was me

You tore my heart into too many for counting

You made me shed too many tears for you

I thought you were someone i knew

You're just a stranger to me now

I don't even know how

I'm over you; i'm over this

I don't know how you became so heartless

I let you into my life

I believed such lies

I let you kiss me; I let you hold me

I listened when you said you loved me

How had i believed such blasphemy?

You're out of here

No more tears

I gave you my heart

I fell so hard

Tore me into a pile of rubble

I've tried to run, but i only stumble

How could you be so heartless?

Hit the road and leave the pieces

She met a guy at school, passed him in the hallway

She dreamt of the day he'd take her away

Word got back to him of a girl who thought him beautiful

He liked this so he found that girl

He asked her to be his only one

She smiled, agreed, and stood there stunned

He was hers, her only love

He made her feel like the only one

He took her hand, opened doors

Made her feel like she never had before

He was hers, she his girl

For the first time she was beautiful

For a month it was bliss

Every smile, every kiss

He showed her off, played her well

Gave her new stories to tell

He showed her love, showed her stars

He said he'd never broke her heart

He met her dad, he met her mom

Then he took her to prom

And she had a night of wander

He told her that he loved her

She let let him make love to her

Then he went and dumped her

and left her in the gutter

This is the story of a broken girl

who thought she was beautiful

The night sky lays silent, the wind whispers in my ear

It tells me i'm forgotten, my greatest fear

I wander in the forest, blind as can be

I search for you, but you hide from me

A fog creeps up from the lake hidden by the trees

I look for an exit so i can be free

I stumble searching for you

but if you're hiding there's nothing i can do

I call your name, it echos through the air

No reply. You don't care.

A crushing grief pulls me to the ground

My heart's torn, you're no longer around

Pain rips through my chest, tearing open my soul

No way to keep it in control

Cold has no effect on me anymore

So i'll just lie here on the forest floor

The rain rolls down my window like tears the sky has shed.

When i fall asleep, somehow i wake up dead.

The billowing clouds hang with the weight of grief.

If i wake up, and they're still there, i let out a sigh of relief.

I walk in the rain, and splash in the cold.

I know i might get sick from what i've been told.

But i don't care. I still play.

It brings relief to see the sky is gray.

Depressing. Yes. It helps me though.

To see the rain, and play in the snow.

The sun brings chaos, anger, and hate.

The clouds bring calm, and give me a clean slate.

I can't take the fighting and hate much longer.

The rain and clouds make me stronger.

They hide the sun, and shield me from the heat.

When the clouds are gone i'm left tired and beat.

The rain soothes my wandering spirit.

The snow muffles my scream so no one can hear it.

The clouds hide the sun from my burning flesh.

After the rain the air smells so fresh.

I can wander the streets in a calm facade.

I wish to wander in the rain.

You say I love you

I say tell the truth

You say you're there for me

I say I appreciate you're dishonesty

You say i'm beautiful

I say that's bull

You say you'll be back

Honesty is what you lack

You say i'm your destiny

I say spare me

You say it's just a friend

You choose her in the end

You say i'm the only one for you

You hang out with everyone else in the group

You hold my hand, it feels cold

You say you'll never leave me on my own

I watch the candle go out alone

You say you never wanna see me cry

You're the reason these tears fly

You say you're here for me no matter what

Everything in our relationship has a "but"

You love me, but you have others

You're here for me, but you won't take a chance on forever

You want me in your life, but on your own time

You'll keep your promises, but only if i don't find out they're broken lies

You say I love you, i'm your only chick

I say that's bull shit

I have a secret. One i tried to keep away from you. I have a life. One that's been kept from you. I have a love. That i let tear my heart in two. I have a paper. Neatly folded under my bed. I have a mental note that said: Please read the letter that i wrote. Please read the words that it said. Please read the lines that didn't say what they meant. Please read between the lines. Hear what i never said. Please look at the wet tears that were shed. Please read the note between my bed. Here's what i thought. The words that flew through my head. It's a letter i meant to send. A poem that meant so much more than words i have said before. It's a love that made me scared. It's a price i didn't mean to share. So here's my heart that broke. Please read the letter that i wrote. Please read the words i never said. Please read the lines that wouldn't say what they meant. Please read it now that i'm dead. Please read what i never said.

When i think about the times when we crossed such fragile lines, i remember why i fell in love with you. When i look at your face, lit with Heaven's grace, my heart feels like it'll give in too. When i look back on our past, and see how it went so fast, my tears fall like rain upon my cheeks. When i see you walk past me like i'm a bug and revolting, my heart tears like paper with each passing week. There's no point to even fly, when all i do is wanna cry. Tears won't save me anymore. So when i see you next, you'll stand out above the rest. Hell will bring more pain than you've felt before.

No love to feel

no further appeal.

A dying heart

No further life spark.

Too much sorrow for any beliefs

A frozen life with crushing grief.

A broken spirit

A cry for help with no one to hear it.

A devoured soul

Sucked into a black hole.

A universe of missing love

A child carrying too much.

Too much sorrow, too much pain

A forgotten princess going insane.

No prince charming

The amount of pain is alarming.

Tears fall

A forgotten call.

Blood shed

for a love that causes regret.

A deserted lover

Abandoned forever.

No one to hear her screams

Tortured within her own dreams.

I lean my head against the wall

and let the tears fall.

I wrap my arms around my knees

and wonder why you're not here with me.

I look at my phone, and stare at your picture

I think about what it was like to be with ya.

I wipe the tears from my face

and let the new ones fall in disgrace.

How had we been degraded to this?

You're the only one i've ever want to be with.

Every passing day i feel my heart break

I want you back no matter what it takes.

A sea of despair is left in your place

I remember how your lips taste.

I remember how your arms feel

I remember your strong appeal.

As i cry, i fall to the floor.

I know no one will walk through the door.

No one cares about me anymore.

The room spins but i don't care.

It doesn't matter if i'm anywhere.

The music fills the room with each passing line

My sobs becomes muffled, just like time.

Nothing matters to me.

Let me die in peace.

I sit on top of a hill overlooking a vast beauty of city streets.

I lurk the roads in the shadows, trying to be discreet.

The hill is full of every hope, and love I have ever held.

The shadows hide me from the pain that's continuously built.

Sorrow overcasts the sky in grey and purple clouds.

I wish to fly away, yet I'm planted on the ground.

Lately I can't shed even a single tear.

Unable to release the sorrow that's held me here.

The despair rolls off of me in visible waves.

While I lie in bed, all I can do is wallow in the pain.

No way to win back the loss of my soul.

So now I wait for him to come and make me whole.

Ignorance is bliss, and I choose to ignore that you don't want me.

You play with me like a child's doll on Christmas Eve.

You race through my veins whenever I think of you.

Heart pounding when I think of what we've been through.

Electricity whenever it's just the two of us. 

No where in between, this is truly love.

You make me weaker in the knees

everytime you're close to me.

You make me yours with a bat of those lashes.

When we say goodbye you can see it as it crashes.

My emotions lose control

when goodbye is on its roll.

I think of you even as I sleep.

You say that I am yours and I can't disagree.

You pull me along like a puppy on its leash.

Go where you want, and I'll follow your lead.

If you leave me in the cold at night,

I'll wait on your step 'til you wake in the morning light.

It brings another day

for you to play.

For you I'll take any pain.

Tell me to go, and I'll stand in the rain.

You call me a bitch, and you say that I'm insane.

By tomorrow I'll be your toy doll again for play.

I'm your toy doll, I'm your favorite Barbie.

You don't have as much fun with the other fish in the sea.

No point to even try now.

Saying goodbye now.

I don't wanna think about the kiss.

I don't wanna taste your lips.

No point to stay any longer.

I thought that i was stronger.

Hope has left me.

There is no eternity.

No happy ending.

I can't believe this is happening.

I've got to get out of this rut.

To leave every reason i had to cut.

All i wanna do is cry.

Why'd you have to say goodbye?

Sorrow and despair linger.

How you slip through my fingers?

I don't know what to do with these tears.

You're no longer here.

I wanna beg, I wanna plead.

I wanna cry at your feet.

I wanna scream, cry, and sleep.

But even sleep can no longer shield me;

only dreams of you.

There's nothing more that i can do.

 I have no way to let you go.

Loving you is all that i know.

Nothing would be more pleasing to me,

than to have a hand in the death of thee.

To raise a toast to the blood you bore.

To feel your presence nevermore.

To gladly drink your blood again.

To bring my bloodlust to an end.

To dance around a burning pyre.

To watch the smoke burn higher and higher.

To mount your head upon my wall.

To revel in the sight as i watch you fall.

Nothing more could satisfy me,

than to have a hand in the death of thee.

He rides in the car along with the rest of his family.

He watches as they all carry on happily.

They're blissfully unaware of the agony he drowns in.

The way he still manages to live has him confounded.

He stares out the window reliving their nights together.

He thinks about how they both openly wished those nights would last forever.

Their memories together have faded into dreams.

And in usual dreams, nothing is as it seems.

Everything seemed mutual, seemed that is.

All these of those feelings, they were all his.

He recalled how she looked at him when they talked.

How she tried to hold his hand when they walked.

How her eyes would sparkle when he spoke.

Reliving these scenes makes him want to choke.

How her brown hair was unimaginably perfect.

How her voice sang to him even as he slept.

How the thought of her absence would fill him with fright.

How he would lose sleep over her every single night.

How he managed to survive her death is a mystery.

All he ever does now is drown in his misery.

He plans to join her as soon as he can.

He will choose to die by his own hand.

The snow glistens in the sun. It radiates a peaceful calming atmosphere. The Earth covered in a white blanket calls to me. It speaks kind words of peace. The birds chirping their songs of love create beautiful symphonies that put Beehtoven to shame. They soar in the sky making dance sequences of grace. The sun shines in the sky giving life to the world below. Everything is in perfect harmony. Everything is as it should be. The life i have, and the life i had. Opposites. Both i have to bear. Neither i deserve. But i won't interfere with the beauty of this world. I'll hide in shame and watch as others live their lives. The burdens i bear, i'll take with me to the grave. No one deserves that kind of pain.

She stands by the sink. She holds the bottle, trying not to think. The razor lies on the tub, dripping red. A single tear rolls down her cheek. She holds her head. Her heart beats, it's such a traitor. She looks in the mirror. She loaths the creature. It glares with tears back at her. She racks her brain trying to replay what lead her here. Every memory brings back more tears. The blood that still rolls down her arms mean nothing. It failed to help her feel something. The release it used to provide has left. She's counting down her last breath. She looks down again at the bottle, all fear of death gone. Why would her death cause anyone harm? She has no where she belongs. She causes everyone else too much pain. No one would care to make her stop. She was never the cream of the crop. She figures a shot to the head would be too gross. So she opens the bottle and the pills and begins to overdose.

Have you ever watched the sky in the middle of the night? Have you ever watched a robin leap off a branch and take flight? Have you ever watched a new fallen snowflake melt in your hand? Have you ever tried to make someone understand? Have you ever lost the one who matters most? Have you ever stood on the beach on the West Coast? Have you ever had your heart break? Have you ever made a huge mistake? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Have you ever felt like you've fallen in too deep? Have you ever wanted to no longer speak? Have you ever felt yourself too weak? Have you ever lost the person who kept you from doing things he knew you'd regret? Have you ever wanted to go into a coma just so you'll forget? Have you ever cut yourself and found it wouldn't satisfy unless it went deeper? Have you ever watched the sunset from the school bleachers? And then cry beacuse it brought back all those memories? If you never hear from me again reread my stories. You'll figure out why.

Love cuts deeper than cuts.

The scars are never fully concealed

and it takes them longer to heal.

It alters your life permanently.

It can end your life indefinitely.

You never see the world the same.

Life can NEVER go back, it's changed.

You suffer in anguish when the person is gone. 

You think you need to be punished when their pain is your fault.

Love cuts deeper than cuts.

It hurts too much for human tolerance.

It kills you inside beyond human sufferance.

It tears you beyond human repair.

You become a corpse,

you don't deserve any remorse.

Love cuts deeper than cuts.

Why do we laugh?

Why do we try?

Why do we stay when all we do is fade away?

Why do we dance?

Why do we cry?

Why do we pray when all we do is fade away?

We try to live,

we eventually die.

We try to give,

we're told many lies.

We love beyond all reason,

it's thrown in our face.

We see past all treason,

we're cast off into space.

We look without thinking,

taking in all we see.

We stare without blinking,

we're cursed with misery.

With every breath we take we allow ourselves to go.

Our lives are at stake yet we're willing to let it go.

A piece of us leaves

and nobody grieves.

Why do we try when all we do is cry?

As i put my phone down, i think about what we had said. I said lots of things that i still regret, I should've apologized instead. (you should've too). I called you names, I cussed at you. You took it all, you tried to let me go. I quickly changed my tactics, what i'd say had went too low. You wanted me to leave you alone, i wanted you to stay. You tried to say goodbye, i wouldn't give way. I tried to get you to see i need you in my life. I started to cry when you didn't reply. That was your farewell, but i don't wanna say goodbye.

I guess you don't need me in your life. I guess you're ready to say goodbye. I guess it didn't bother you. I mean, you never showed up on my birthday. It's just one year, how important could the sixteenth be right? You missed it when i failed my permit test, twice. You missed everytime i came home and cried. You missed when that boy broke what remains i had of my heart, five times. You missed when i hit rock bottom and still managed to keep falling, multiple times. You missed when i confessed to all the things i'd done wrong to punish myself for betraying a friend. You missed when i drove the car on the road for the first time, nana was there for that. You missed when i sprained my hand from punching a concrete wall because i couldn't take it no more. You missed when i got caught cutting myself, every single time. But i didn't miss your miscarriage. I didn't miss one of your weddings. I didn't miss one of your divorces. I was there through the depression. I was there through your heartbreak. I was there through the debt. I was there through the betrayal. I was there through the sleepless nights. I was there when you lost your house. I was there lying for you. I was there fighting for you. I was there when you lied about me. I was there when you used me. I was there as a back up plan. But i guess you won't be here while he continues to break my heart. I guess you won't be here to help me as my world falls apart. I guess you won't be here for my senior prom. And i guess you won't be here so i can call you mom.

A cloud of despair

hovers over the Earth

the creatures below

feel their worth.

Death is upon this land

people dying

no laughing children

only people crying.

Illness has struck again

the sound of grief

a crashing plane

death is a creeping thief.

Children fighting

there's no escape

no silver lining

hear the hatred and the screams.

There's too much change

in my life

it's all so strange

like blood on a knife.

There's too much change

it's just too strange

it's hard to understand

this changing plan.

Please make it stop

this is no joke

please help me now

i'm going to choke.

There's too much change

i want to explode

it's just too strange

this changing episode.

too many things

going on in my life

like bogous rings

as sharp as a knife.

Too many problems

like killing and rape

help me out

i need to escape.

One friend has too much, too

bullies, grades

you name it

not to mention heartache.

Too much for me to handle

help me out

the dark hides the light of a candle

and what i see may make you shout.

She sees the knife

lying right there,

She wonders if

anyone would care.

She is having

second thoughts,

the stage fright

has her in knots.

The voices inside

her head,

tell her it's for

the best,

to put her pain

to rest.

She doesn't want

it to hurt,

but nothing could

be worse,

than this.

But a voice says

"it won't hurt,

it'll be alright."

So she cuts one

not very deep,

it doesn't hurt

no reason to weep.

She cuts another

then one more,

it looked revolting

from the blood it bore.

She was always

left alone,

the object

of scorn.

No one gave her

the time of day,

treated like she

had nothing to say.

"Well now they'll care,"

she thought,

being a loser is not

something she ever bought.

She began to cry,

before she died

no one would even

say,

goodbye.

you call me names, you push me down. Never minding, that what goes around comes around. Do you not realize the more you push, the farther i go? And it hurts with every touch. What do i have to prove? I'm still going to lose. Cause i can't do anything right. So why put up a fight? You're cruel, you're a bully. But worst of all...you're family.

What's the point in making plans?

You break all the ones we had

Used to think we had it all

Then one day we hit a wall

found you in someone elses arms

you couldn't believe you did

me so much harm.

you blame me for everything

that went wrong

we used to be so strong

how am i to blame

that everything's not the same?

Everyday is getting worse

we do the same things

and they hurt

You've gotten underneath my skin

how do i get out of the spot

i'm in?

there's just one thing i need

someone to be there for me

someone to cry with me

someone to stay by me

someone with nothing else to do

overall,

someone who's not you.

i sit here in the dark

devoyed of light

i'm surrounded but

i don't put up a fight.

Hordes of demons all

about me

tormented by all my

enemies.

They're all around me

but i don't want them to leave

they help me in a way

even i can't believe.

i drown outside

and i hide inside

if i ever said i was fine,

i lied.

I thrive in the dark

i cower in the light

somehow agony

fills me with delight.

Happiness pains me

love drains me

fear sustains me

pain fills me

agony thrills me

everyone drills me

but i don't give them

anything

yet i fall with every

sting

but my demonic

friends

can wreek my

revenge

i've left the light

and entered a

blissful night

the screams of the

innocent sooths me

get on my bad side

and you'll fear me.

With this farewell i have no shame, no alibi

cross out what i've done

bring truth to the lies

there's no way to explain

what i've become

no way to wash away

everything i've done

i can't erase everything

that's happened before

i'm leaving you behind

i'm locking up that door

i'm not looking back

or else i'll turn to stone

i'm pushing you away

i'll walk this walk alone

With this goodbye, i bid

you farewell

i have no more secrets

no more lies to tell

i'm an open book with

more to say than the Bible does

with everything that's happened

i was always the cause

but before i face you, i

have to face myself

it's hard because with all

the deceit i've grown great wealth

i'm not sure if i want a

clean slate

but i do whenever i look in the

mirror and i don't see a face

steer clear of me, i may

do it all again

i don't learn from my mistakes

until the very end

the bloodshed, the tears

they don't mean a thing

they all affected you, didn't

do a thing to me

with what i've become, don't

expect me to apologize

i can live without you, i don't

need any goodbies.

I'm at the mercy of what my heart desires. My heart burns from the embers of a black fire. I'm a prisoner to what my heart craves. And with all of this pain i've become its slave. My heart is plotting to get what it needs. And with all of this, i'm on bended knees. Everytime this thing manages to slip, my insides tear from the wound of a whip. All of my emotions wreek havoc inside of me. Until i have you, i'm at war, emotionally.

I'm tired of excuses

do i not deserve the truth?

i'm tired of the bruises

my heart shouldn't belong to you

i'm tired of the lies

and i'm tired of goodbyes

every excuse you make

rips apart

the nearly extinguished remains

of my fragile heart

you say you'll call

another excuse

you don't after all

another bruise

you say you love me

another lie

the day finally ends

another goodbye

i want an honest answer

no matter what it is

the day of truth

is about to begin

Time slowly tears me apart.

You carry a piece of my heart.

I'm left alone to find a start.

We were torn by my mistakes.

I put everything at stake.

I know no one can take your place.

I opened myself up to you.

You left me here without a clue.

Now what am i supposed to do?

I went along with every plan.

I went along with all your lies.

I tried to make myself understand.

I made myself believe your every disguise.

I allowed my feelings to take control.

I tore myself from a whole.

I handed over my very soul.

I messed it up, I should've believed.

Now my crime can't be reprieved.

My pain won't ever be relieved.

I toyed with what chance i had.

My feelings were torn apart instead.

I gambled with what love you gave me.

While you go on about your life,

I'm left to suffer behind a knife.

I took my chances, I messed up too much.

But i can't help that i've fallen in love.

Would you forgive my mistakes?

Losing you is more than i can take.

Give me another chance please.

Blood drips down my broken heart

Blood sprayed when you tore us apart

Blood slips across the line you've put between us

Blood stayed when we were together

Blood drained when you broke what was meant to be forever

Not a single drop was yours

But every one should be

You should bleed it even and more

Blood was shed beside each tear

Blood was meant to keep you here

Blood flowed across the time

Blood skipped down the center line

Blood ran dry inside this heart of mine

Blood was shed and more

All of the loss should've been yours.

You fear the change you see outside.

You fear i'll lose my way without a guide.

You fear the way i start to dress.

You fear my life will become a mess.

You fear my voice, and my style.

The girl you knew has been gone for a while.

You fear the black that's starting to appear.

All this angst is drowning you in fear.

You hate my choice, you hate my speech.

You're clinging to who i was like a leech.

You hate my style, you call it revolting.

Ultimately, you hate who i'm becoming

The love pours out onto the floor.

Try hard as i may, i can't carry it anymore.

I have no peace, no inner guide.

To everyone else i'm fine, on the outside.

I have no joy, i have no one.

I've found sanctuary on the darkest side of the sun.

I found understanding in the night.

I heard all their screams and was filled with delight.

I smiled with no shame when i saw they were in pain.

I befriended the beasts.

I joined in their feasts.

I drank blood with them.

They are my friends.

They wreek my revenge.

They took my heart so i'd NEVER be torn apart.

They took my soul so i'd NEVER be torn from a whole.

Now i'm in control.

We danced around a flaming pyre.

We watch as they burn in a blue fire.

I'll never love again.

Not anytime soon.

Only once in a blue moon.

You think you've seen it all

When you're cornered by a wall

You think you've had it bad

When you've lost your only dad

Life comes at you fast

and yet you cling to the past

You take your every beating

You try to keep it from repeating 

Who are you defeating?

Life can be unfair

when your family no longer cares

The cuts and the burns

yet you never learn

The worst has yet to come

but you never run

You lose your only moment

You lose what you were meant

You don't get anything from it

You isolate yourself

You deny yourself the wealth

Nothing matters anymore

What only matters is the gore

You've lost all hope

Life hands us things we don't expect.

After all the turmoil, all we can do is reflect.

People are lost; hearts left torn.

We make mistakes; we're left to the scorn. 

The pain inside me burns like a white-hot branding iron.

I'm left to the decieving songs of the sirens.

The feeling of not being human lingers on.

I wonder when my time will come.

When that time comes, who will care?

Who will get on bended knee and beg for me to be here?

Emptiness dwindles uselessly.

I'm left with all the painful memories.

Darkness has an eerie calm.

The temptation to join is surprisingly strong.

Clouds hide away the sun.

Depressing...for some.

I want to take all my beatings.

Keep the pain from ever repeating.

Take the pain of everyone else.

Take it all upon myself.

Protect the ones I love.

Even if it's too much.

No one can save me from me.

I don't deserve any sense to even think of me.

I don't belong in this world.

You treat me how i wanna be.

You show a loose interest in me.

I'm all you think about sometimes.

Tommorow i'll be out of mind.

You're with me more than the rest.

You make me feel like i'm the best.

You take me for a stroll at night.

Tommorow i'll be left behind.

You'll leave me underneath the moon.

Now i'm yesterday's news.

Hate fills your heart, all desire turned to hate.

People tried to save you, they all came too late.

Dread filled your heart, terror filled your mind.

Your friends all left; they decided to leave a lost soul behind.

Rumors, laughter, horror back stabbers.

Deceit, lust, betrayal, no trust.

Depression stalking your every thought.

You're starting to feel the rage that you fought.

Sorrow creeps up on you in the night.

It crushes your heart, a battle you can't fight. 

The voices whisper inside your ear.

If you join them, you'll have no more need for fear.

They stalk your shadows, mimicking your moves.

Fight them, and someday you'll lose.

Suicide haunts the tears that you shed.

No one will miss you when you're dead.

The wind betrays you, it speaks your secrets.

Reminding you how far you are from perfect.

The dead will walk the streets at tonight.

Filling the demons with much delight.

They'll creep into your room as you sleep.

Beware the terror that they'll reap. Good-bye.

You can't take back the things you've done.

You can't take back the words you've said.

You can't take back the pain you've caused.

It hurts your fragile heart.

The pain goes all the way to your soul.

Turning your heart to a freezing cold.

It freezes til it'll never warm again.

The loneliness swiftly takes over your every thought.

It separates you from what joy you have left.

You wallow in the pain from morning to night.

Your dreams drift away in a sea of despair.

 Everything you love is gone.

Everything you could've had taunts you.

 You have no claim over your soul anymore.

All that's left is a pit where your heart once held its own.

Your mind mocks you.

It reminds you of what you had and what you should've done. 

It toys with your feelings, forcing you to remember. 

A coma won't help you to escape.

Sleep only makes the pain worse.

Your body betrays you.

A tear never sheds anymore.

The numbing pain is all that remains.

They try hard, but they don't understand

The grains of sand slipping through my hands

A lifetime of insecurities

Bound by my inferiority

A beating heart that died so long ago

Every smile puts on a show

The train of thought falls off its rails

Beaten by a storm of hail

Storm clouds fill my mind to the brim

Drowning in an ocean with no will to swim

The path of life is hidden in darkness

Beaten like a begotten princess

Shunned by all the peers that pass by

Living like this each day of my life

Doubt and despair overpowering my body

Knowing each day that I'll never be lovely

A glance in the mirror brings me to tears

Walking each day with a heart full of fears

Happiness drained from both body and mind

Knowing, in the end, that I'll be left behind.